Have you ever wondered how victims handle it so well? How they hold themselves? Have you ever wondered what it is like to sleep with a bra on because you are too scared to sleep at night? Have you ever laid in your bed sleeping with one eye open with your phone and keys right next to you? I am going to talk you through what Domestic Violence is and how sleeping with a bra on throughout my abusive relationship made me feel safe and secure.
Imagine being held hostage but only no one really knows that you are being held hostage. You are forced to plaster on this smile and fake your life and happiness on social media, so you are not alerting everyone of the danger you are in. There is no one to save you but yourself, you are forced to save yourself. You are forced to feel scared, hurt,worried,upset and broken. You are forced to feel trapped in your own home and thoughts.
I spent a relationship trying to please someone with a twisted disease. I tried to become the person they wanted, the person they could control and use. Domestic Violence does not just have to be violence, they do not have to just hit you, choke you, or slam your head into a wall. He degrade me, humiliated me, blamed me, screamed at me, lied to me, cheated on me and even tried to control me.. It is still domestic violence. There is a reason why victims do not leave and why it is so hard to leave. Even if you are the most observant person, emotional abuse can be so gradual that you won’t realise what is happening until you are deeply entangled in its web. As a result the abuse can be “forgotten” as the relationship progresses but you still feel unsafe and therefore end up keeping your bra on to feel that little bit of comfort. I slept with my bra on most nights when I felt insecure and un safe, the reason I did this was in case I needed to escape and I did.
Never ever feel sorry for anyone who deliberately harms you. Being in a previous relationship to feel sorry for a narcissist who abused me was one of the most dangerous aspects of narcissistic abuse. It set me up to not only accept bad behavior in people but to sympathise and make excuses for them. “He won’t do it again” “It was only a push”. Healthy individuals do not want us to pitty them, to feel validated and understood yes but not to pitty them. However narcissists always want us to feel sorry for them all the time. This lowers our standards and boundaries, you feel trapped but you have to do as you are told because after all you are going to be facing another ton of abuse(The sad realisation – it is true) Narcissists will often pause their abuse and smother you with kindness and warmth. This can cause you to become trauma-bonded to them, you are constantly trying to make them happy. Then when they turn abusive again you start to believe that you deserve it. But you don’t!
To my abuser, you cut my soul more times than you eve kissed it, and broke my spirit more time than you ever lifted it. You took more good from me than you ever gave back to me, and you stood there and watched me bawl my eyes out more than you ever comforted me. You watered my insecurities with pleasure, helping them to grow stronger and shushed my voice and my expressions so that I could remain in your eyes, smaller than you. You used my weaknesses against me, threw my past back in my face and I still stayed. Time after time Stayed and that.. me staying.. boosted your ego.. What are you now? Nothing.. It does not matter how great you were, how good you made me feel, or what you did to make me “happy” in the beginning.. you know why? Because in the end I cried and hurt every day.. I left, I escaped, I am free.
You get tired of trying to work things out, you get tired of constantly taking abuse, you get tired of listening to their excuses and giving chances. Sometimes for your peace of mind… you just have to let go. So they can treat the next person like they have treated you. I just got to a point where I decided that I want to live an unbullshitafied life. I am strong, I am fierce, I am upset, I am hurt and I am angry that it took over a year for me to get any justice and feel safe again. But I won.. You only have control of these things in your life, the thoughts you think, the images you visualise and the actions you take. I took action, I never gave up fighting and I never will.
There is a woman reading this now, a woman who has tried her hardest to hold on to a relationship that is no longer worthy or her grip. That woman is tired of loving someone who refuses to love her back, there is a woman reading this now that needs to be reminded of how strong she has always been. Is that woman you? I believe you are strong enough to walk away from the abuse, move on with your life. This is a sign.. this was written for you. I hope you learn like I did to choose yourself because right now.. YOU deserve better YOU more than anybody else.