The Tweets I Didn’t Send..

I recently delved into my drafts on Twitter for the first time in a very long time (like, forever) and found some absolute crackers that I thought I might share with you before I delete them. These were things I didn’t feel brave enough to say, changed my mind about saying, couldn’t say because of shitty signal (I’m assuming), and various other unknown reasons.

  • Can everyone please just fuck off and leave me to play with my new sex toys in peace? THANKS.
  • Man at my door, 9am: Have you invited God into your life?
    • Me: Have you invited Satan into yours?
  • You’re a cxnt!
  • CONSTANTLY RINGING THE DOORBELL FOR FLAT A IS NOT GOING TO MAKE YOUR FRIENDS IN FLAT B ANSWER THEIR DOOR ANY QUICKER, YOU FUCKING MORON.
  • I think screaming kids should be banned from all public places but we don’t all get what we want, Sharon.
  • Mate, you are NOT God’s gift to women. I know you think you are, but you’re not.
  • How on EARTH do some people manage to get laid as much as they do?!
  • Why’s toxic dick so damn appealing tho?
  • Why do I only see tubs of Twiglets at Christmas? I want those delicious snacks all year round.
  • Is it even possible to wear a vest top to bed and not wake up with your boobs unflatteringly flopped out?
  • My neighbours are having sex right now. She has definitely faked it at least twice.
  • Would a complete lack of sex in a relationship make you leave?
  • I almost had sex today….. Almost.
  • Why do people ask such ridiculous fucking questions on Facebook? FACEBOOK ISN’T GOOGLE, KAREN. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME THE BAKERY DOWN THE ROAD FROM YOU CLOSES.
  • How do toxic men seem to know *exactly* when you’re at your weakest?
  • Of all the things I thought I’d be doing in 2019, teaching my boyfriend the use of a suppository was not one of them.
  • Bitches are testing my patience today, I tell ya.
  • Don’t mind me, I’m just off to make some bad decisions.
  • What’s the point in us following each other if you’re just going to ignore me every time I interact with you?
  • Facebook friend requests from boys I’ve fucked and thrown away for being tossers make me both smug and angry in equal measures.
  • I deliberately ‘like’ shitty subtweets that I think are about me just to fuck up whoever shared them.
  • From my calculations, I reckon I’ve got at least 5 hate-followers.
  • Isn’t it annoying how you never get dick pics from guys whose dicks you actually want to see?
  • Him: I cancelled my plans today. I thought we could spend the day together.
    • Me: Really? I’ve ordered new sex toys and I’d quite like to play with them. Kindly fuck off if you’re not planning on joining in.

I’m bitchy a lot, huh? I should probably work on that. Made me giggle though.

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